Steven Wright one liners

Steven Wright played the guy on the couch in half baked and has been a standup comedian for over 16 years. His humor is described as thinking "out of the box." My friend had me listen to one of his C.D.'s a few days ago and if your in the right mood, it can be quite funny.

If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.

One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Tons more here